A Purpose, A Passion, and A Plan

Jan 25

In my drafts, I have my introduction blog post. It’s been sitting there for months. I add a little here and a little there.

But, in my opinion, it is nowhere near ready. But,…

However, something happened tonight. Something that set things into motion.

An experience that validates all of this. Not that I think it’s necessary for my purpose to be validated. But, losing Emma… I lost my purpose. My purpose was to overcome the impossible and be everything she needed in life to survive. According to that plan, I failed. Which believe me I have had my fair share of failures in life, so have you. That’s how we grow and mature.

Nevertheless, when time allows.. I will share the details but when I tell you every single session I have had…. Emma shows herself. Not her physical self but she is represented in someway. Like the chills down your spine, unexpected,… did that just happen kind of moments? …

While I love all these family sessions, my passion…is my sports photography because of my love for sports. Until tonight, Emma wasn’t attached to any of my sports photography. Kory and Maddie know about Emma moments in my sessions because it is the first thing I tell them about and then I show them proof, as if they don’t believe me by now.

All this time, I felt like my sports photography was selfish and that it brings me joy but it also takes away a lot of my free time and my family sacrifices all the nights I want to go to a game (they also love supporting the boys) but some nights they think I am a bit extreme with my 1200-1600 pictures in a 2 hour time frame. This is my first basketball season shooting sports photography. Anyone who has captured sports photography has to know basketball is the biggest challenge as the timing is everything!!

It all goes along with my “why” …pictures are important, … these moments are captured, and we won’t ever get them back. For that, I am thankful. I am honored. But tonight, I was humbled.

Unexpectedly, my grief humbled me. And let me tell you, grief does a lot of things …humbling you is NOT one of them.

Tonight, a boy who I wouldn’t consider myself close to, but I would absolutely consider him “one of my kids.”

……this is also why this was so ironic because if this was going to be the moment I realized this..

why not _____,

why not ____,

why not ______,

why was it ______ shooting his free throws that shook me.

I have pictures of all of them taken in the last 48 hours…

I smoked my camera off the ground while trying to capture another awesome angle.

When I tell you it took every bit of my being to not bawl my eyes out…the unimageable happened and all of the sudden it clicked…

I am capturing these pictures

because of the perspective & the pain

I have of losing my youngest child.

That is my why…

Her pictures are moments in her life I can never get back and now they are all I have to hold onto.

She was my youngest child.

And Now..

I am capturing my first ever basketball coach’s son, who ironically is best friends with my daughter. This person was a huge influence on me at a very young age and never would I have dreamed that life would bring us back together and we would get to have those memories but also get the chance to share our love of basketball with each other from a different perspective while sparking up old memories of our own glory days.

He is their youngest child.

I am capturing pictures of a player I only just met this past summer but when helping his family move and I went to their house for the first time I realized I spent time in his bedroom as a child playing with my cousins…. long before he was even born. This entire family is now our family. When he isn’t sporting the #23 you will see him in #14. (All those numbers are “Emma numbers”)

He is their youngest child.

I am capturing pictures of a player and his mom was a protector in a dark part of my childhood when I was ironically/thankfully too young to realize how abnormal it all was. She supports me in ways no one understands because she knows I had every opportunity to give up & I fought hard to get where I am today. Also, tied to this same player is a family member who played a key role in setting the foundation for working with Emma’s doctor’s to critique doses of medicines to meet her needs.

He is their youngest child.

I am capturing pictures of a player who apparently inspires this kind of spark without even knowing and probably won’t ever know this was written. Said player, doesn’t quit, he keeps fighting, for himself, for his family, for his team, and for his future. He has big shoes to fill, but fortunately for him there is definitely growing room and his shoes (if they are not already) will be bigger. This player played 8 quarters of basketball tonight and he was completely exhausted. I always seem to capture incredible pictures of him because he is always putting himself in the frame.. the drive, the grit, the passion, it’s all there with this one. He’s going to be such a great competitor to watch over the next 4 years. And, you guessed it…

He is their youngest child.

So, what am I trying to say here?

All the places I have been looking for Emma to present herself… and all this time I didn’t see her.

Tonight I realized that I was surrounded by people who I would have never had that connection with if it wasn’t for her, her story, or her needs.

What it took to be Emma’s mom, to push through this grief and to be the person I am for so many people today… people who were a support in the most trying times, they are still right there.

She is using my camera to allow these parents to take in EVERY SINGLE LAST MOMENT OF

THEIR YOUNGEST CHILD

while I use this passion to heal a part of my heart, by taking pictures of their youngest child.

So many of the parents, just think I am just capturing them for fun… some not knowing,

Losing my youngest child,

led me to loving their youngest child like my own.

Even better, every single one of these players brings an older sibling that I am also blessed to have had the opportunity to be an additional support person to and/or capture their moments through sports photography as well.

My apologies to the Mom’s & Dad’s struggling to finish reading this through your tears. But if you can still read this,..

I got you!

I will capture as many moments as possible.

Just live in the moment, take it all in.

Buckle Up & God Bless. It’s about to get real!